*& v» 



SKETCHES 



THE NEW COOK. 
THE OLD MAIDS' TEMPERANCE MEETING. 
MISS SQUASH FROM SQUASHVILLE. 



By 

W. W. FRANCISCO 

Baltimore. Md. 



Copyright, 1911, by 
W. W. Francisco. 



u* 



< 






™P 92-009335 

©CU28(»536 



i 



THE NEW COOK. 



Characters. 

Mrs. Farmer. — A refined country lady. 

Sally. — The new cook. A white girl, apparently 
eighteen years old. 

Costumes. — Mrs. Farmer wears a plain every-day 
dress and white apron. Sally wears a plain calico dress, 
apron and sunbonnet. 

Scene. — Kitchen in a country home, furnished with 
stove, with fire represented, table, chair, broom, book with 
the words "How to Cook Things'' written on back in 
large print, necessary cooking utensils, etc. 



( Mrs. F. enters and sings a song) — I declare, I'm 
in so much trouble, I just don't know what to do. My 
cook left this morning and it's now time to get dinner. I 
suppose I will just have to cook it myself. This is fierce ! 
( Enter Sally.) 

Mrs. F. — Well? Who are you? and where did you 
come from ? 

Cook (standing on side of foot) — Well. I saw the 
cook what took an' lef you this morn in', an' she tol' me 
I could try fo' the job. 

Mrs. F. — Well, you are a perfect stranger to me. I 
will have to know something about you first. Have you 
ever had any experience in cooking? 

Cook. — You jes' bet I has. I cooked up in Xew 
York for Mrs. Rockerbilt for ten years. 

Mrs. F. — Is that so? You must be some kind of a 
cook; but why did you leave Mrs. Rockerbilt? 

Cook. — Her an' I had a split-up one day, so I took 
an' lef. 

Mrs. F. — Well, now next, what is your name? 

Cook. — My name's Sally. 

Mrs. F. — You mean Sallv is your first name, don't 
\ou? Well, what is your last name? 

Cook. — Sall\-. That's all I ever knowed. 

Mrs. F. (laughing) — Why, surely you have a sur- 
name. What is vour mother's name 

Cook. — Ev'ybody calls her Mrs. Yalley. 

Mrs. F. — Well then, vour name is Sally Yalley. 
(Laughing.) My, that's a funny combination. Sally 
Valley. How old are you? 

:'> 



Cook. — I'se eighteen goin' on nineteen. 

Mrs. F. — I think I'll give you a trial, anyway. I'm 
here by myself today; and I only want a plain dinner. You 
can have a bowl of rice, biscuits, fried eggs and tea. 

Cook. — Bowl o' rice, biscuits, fried eggs an' tea. 

Mrs. F. — Xow you will find everything in the proper 
place, and should you need a cook book (pointing to book) 
there is one on the table. Now, I'm going to leave every- 
thing in your charge, and I will judge your cooking from 
your first meal. 

Cook. — All right, ma'am, I'll do my level bes'. (Aside 
to audience.) It's goin' to be a fine dinner, all right. 

(Mrs. F. leave stage.) 

Cook (getting busy) — Well, I guess I'll put the 
rice on first, caus' it takes so long to cook. (Gets bag 
of rice.) She says she wants a bowl o' rice (pouring- 
bowl full of rice) so I'll have a bowl o' rice all right. 
Xow, let me see how to cook it. (Reading from cook 
book.) How to cook rice. Put rice in bag; tie up with 
a string; put it in boiler, an' let it sing. (Laughing.) 
My, that sounds like a mother goose rhyme to me. ( Pour- 
ing rice in bag and spilling some on floor.) Put it in bag, 
tie up with a string. (Hunting for string.) I can't 
find no string, but that receipt calls for a string, an' 
I'se jes' got to have one. Oh! Yes! (As if struck 
with a sudden thought. Turning back to audience ; stoops 
down and gets a string, supposedly her string garter.) 
My, this came in handy all right. (Ties bag with string 
and throws in pot on stove.) Next comes the tea. (Read- 
ing- from book.) How to cook tea. Put plenty of tea 
in pot ; pour in water ; put on stove ; let boil 'til dun ; 
take up ; serve hot or cold. ( Putting handful of tea in 
pot.) I'll bet this'll be delicious all right. ( Pours in water 
and sets on stove.) Next comes the biscuits; that's my 
specialty, biscuits is. (Gets tray; pours in flour. (Read- 
ing from cook book.) How to make good biscuits. Get 
flour, if same is very trashy, sift ; put in plenty of soda 
and salt. ( Putting handful of soda and handful of salt 
in flour. The book calls for a plenty (laughing), so I'se 
goin' to put in a plenty, all right. ( Pours in water from 
bucket, and proceeds to make bread. Reading from book 
lying on table.) Should dough stick to hands very badly 
same can be readily removed by thoroughly rubbing with 
castor oil. (Gets bottle containing water, marked "cas- 
tor oil"; pours and rubs on hands.) My! This is all a 



fake! It makes it worser! What must I do! (Finish 
mixing dough ; singing in meantime. When this is 
completed, a pig enters. Performer spies pig.) Well, of 
all things ! What do you think of that ! A pig ! Where 
did you come from ? (Picks up dough and throws at pig.) 
( )ut with you ! I don't 'low no pigs in the kitchen 
when I'se a-cookin' dinner. (Drives out pig; picks up 
.dough ; throws it up ; catches it ; throws it up again and 
falls on floor.) That's one thing I always did hate, an' 
that is for a pig to come in the kitchen while Pse a- 
cookin' dinner. ( Puts dough on table ; gets long, round 
bottle and starts to roll out dough with bottle.) My, but 
this is a tough job! (Reading from book.) Roll dough 
out thin : cut in squares ; put in oven ; bake 'til dun ; 
serve hot. Post Script. — Should dough be hard to roll, 
.stamp same several times with foot. (Puts dough on floor ; 
stamps with foot several times.) These'll be beat biscuits 
whwen I gets through with 'em. (Rolls out dough ; cuts in 
piece: puts in pan and sets in stove.) Next comes the 
eggs. (Reading from book.) How to stew eggs: Break 
eggs in pan ; ^put same on stove: let come to a boil; take 
up; serve hot. (Sets pan on stove; breaks two eggs in 
pan; throws in shells.) This is my favorite dish. Now. 
I believe Pse got ev'ything on what the Missus said I 
mus' have. I think I might as well take a short nap 
while the things is a-cooking. I was at a dance las' night 
an' danced all night. Didn't sleep a wink. ( Sits in 
chair ; closes eyes, snores for about a minute. Pig walks 
in again. Performer wakes up and sees pig.) That 
pig again ! Didn't I tol' you to keep out o' this kitchen 
while Pse a-cookin' dinner? (Takes broom and drives 
out pig.) Out with you! If that there pig comes in 
here again, Pll kill 'im (as if struck with a sudden 
thought), then Pll surprise the Missus with roast veal 
fur dinner. Wouldn't that be fine. I wonder if my 
bi-cuits is dun. (Looks in stove and takes out pan of 
biscuits burnt black, previously put in stove.) They 
seem to be dun all right. ( Puts biscuits in plate : sets 
on table. ( I wonder if my rice is dun, too. Pll take it 
up anyway. ( Takes out very large bag containing some- 
thing that appears to be cooked rice, previously put in 
pot.) My, but T didn't know 1 was a-cookin' so much 
o' this stuff. I'll bet the Missus ain't got a dish what'll 
hold it. (Opens bag.) I'll jes' put it in this here bucket 
(pouring' in tin bucket) 'cause \ don't believe anything 



else here '11 hold it. (Sets bucket on table.) Oh! The 
eggs! (Puts eggs in dish; sets on table; puts plate, 
knife, fork, etc., on table.) Now, I believe, ev'ything's 
all ready, I'll ring the bell. (Hunting for bell.) I wonder 
if the Missus is got one or no. (Picks up cow bell and 
rings it.) I hope she'll enjoy the dinner. (Addressing 
audience.) Would any of you like to help enjoy this 
dinner? If so, kindly come forward. I know the Mis- 
sus'll be glad to have any of you. (Goes to door and 
calls to Mrs. F. I don't know yo' name, but whoever 
you is, you kin come to dinner, 'cause it's getting cold. 
(To audience.) Them biscuits'll tas' jes' as good cold 
as hot, I'll bet. 

Mrs. F. (entering) — Well, I hope you made out all 
right, didn't you? 

Cook. — You bet yo' life I did. I jes' made out fine. 

Mrs. F. (to audience) — Isn't that just tine to have 
some one whom I can depend on. 

Cook (aside to audience) — W r ait 'til she spies them 
biscuits. 

Mrs. F. — I'm certainly fortunate to secure such a 
valuable cook. She must be something extra as she 
cooked so long for Mrs. Rockerbilt. (Walks to table 
and spies bucket of rice.) What on earth is all this? 

Cook. — That's the rice. 

Mrs. F. — You don't expect for me to eat all of that, 
do you? My! You are extravagant. Where are the 
biscuits ? 

Cook (pointing to biscuits) — Them's them. 

Mrs. F. — Why they don't even look like biscuits. 
They look more like walnuts than anything else. This 
is fierce ! 

Cook. — I muster let 'em stayed in the stove little 
bit too long. * 

Mrs. F. — I think you must have let them stay in 
there a whole lot too long. Bring me the tea ; let me 
try that. (Cook brings tea and Mrs. F. pours out cup.) 
Stronger than any lye! My! I don't blame Mrs. Rocker- 
bilt for not keeping you. You are too extravagant. I'll 
just have to go without any dinner today. I certainly 
can't eat this stuff. Now, I want you to straighten up 
things in here ; sweep the room, and when you get 
through with that, you can get up the eggs, and then 
milk the cow. Are you a good milker? 

Cook. — You jes' bet yo' life I is. I'se a fine milker. 
I was raised side o' a cow. 

C> 









Mrs. F. (aside to audience) — I thought she was a 
calf. (To Cook.) Now, be sure and don't make a 
mess of that like you did the dinner. (Mrs. F. leave 
stage.) 

Cook. — I'se goin' to hurry up an' get through so I 
kin take a nap. I'se so sleepy I don't know what to do. 
(Yarning.) Xow, I guess I'll sweep the floor. That's 
something I always did hate to do. (Gets broom and 
sweeps at floor; yarning.) I guess it's time to be getting 
up the eggs now. (Leave stage supposedly to get up 
eggs ; returns with apron full of something to repre- 
sent eggs; pours in basket). Now, I guess I'll try 
milkin' the cow. (Getting tin bucket.) That's one 
thing I sho' does love to do, an' that is to milk. The 
cow's right here in the yard by the back door. I wonder 
she didn't come in here while I was a-cookin' dinner. 
(Leave stage supposedly to milk.) 

Voice (from outside) — Whoa! Sar there! Sar I tell 
you ! Whoa there ! Stand still ! Back yo' leg ! Sar ! Yo' 
don't know who yo' foolin' with, do you? Whoa there! 
( Loud noise as if cow kicks bucket.) Take yo' feets 
outer that bucket. I tell you ! I ain't goin' to fool with 
yo' no more. (Entering, carrying tin bucket bent up 
in indescribable shape.) She kicked the bucket all right. 
( Sets bucket down.) I'se glad she didn't kick me in- 
stead o' the bucket. She sho' am the funniest cow I 
ever seen. I never did find her milker. 

Mrs. F. (entering) — What in the world is all of 
this? 

Cook (pointing at bucket) — Cow kicked the bucket. 

Mrs. F. — Why, we have had that cow for over five 
\ears, and she never was known to kick before. 

Cook. — Well, she kicked that bucket all right 
enough. 

Mrs. F. (as if struck with a sudden thought) I'll 
just bet you tried to milk that cow that's been dry for 
over a year. Which one did you milk, or try to milk 
rather ? 

Cook. — I tried to milk that one with the sawed-off 
horn an' white spot on her tail. 

Mrs. F. (astonished) — Why, that's not a cow at all. 
That's the family steer. My! where have you been all 
your life that you can't tell a steer from a cow? 

Cook. — I thought 'twas a mighty funny lookin' cow. 

Airs. F. — Did you get up the eggs? 



Cook. — You bet I did. Say ! how many hens does 
you keep? 

Mrs. F. — Why, I have about twenty. Why? 
Cook (laughing) — Goodness, gracious! The roosters 
an' all muster laid today. 

Mrs. F. — Why the idea of such a thing ! How many 
eggs did you get ? 

Cook. — Goodness knows how many. I ain't even 
count 'em, 'twas so many. 

Mrs. F. — Where are they? 

Cook (pointing to basket of eggs) — Them's them. 

Mrs. F. (astonished) — Kidnapped the eggs from 
under all my poor setting hens. (Feeling eggs.) They 
are still warm. Go and put them back under the hens 
as quickly as you can. (Cook leave wiwth basket of 
eggs.) I just won't keep her any longer. I bet she 
came hear breaking Mrs. Rockerbilt. I'll discharge her 
just as soon as she gets back. (Loud noises from out- 
side.) I'll bet she's broken all those eggs. Oh! Why 
did I ever hire such a thing as that ! 

Cook (running in with an egg in each hand) — I 
broke all but these two ; mus' I put these back under the 
hen? 

Mrs. F.— You just get out of my house as quickly 
as you can ! And if I ever catch you on my place again, 
I'll shoot you!! (Throwing biscuits at cook.) Get out 
of here, I tell you ! Get out of here ! 

Curtain. 



THE OLD MAIDS' TEMPERANCE MEETING. 



Clia meters. 

Miss Larmclock. — An ( )ld Maid, President of The 
Old Maids' Temperance Union." 

Miss Clawhammer. — An Old Maid. A noted speak- 
er on temperance. 

Stranger. — A Man. who afterwards disguises as an 
old maid, who is a member. 

Porter. — A Man, who afterwards disguises as an 
old maid, who is also a member. 

Costumes. — All dress as typical old maids. The 
more comical the better. 

Scene. — Lecture room, furnished with three benches 
without backs, set one behind the other. Platform with 
two chairs, table and water cooler. Sign on wall, "Old 
Maids' Temperance Union, Meets Every Month or so.'' 
A book on each seat. 



Stranger ( entering carrying bottle, supposedly whis- 
key ) — I wonder if this is the right place or no. I got 
a 'phone message just now to deliver a bottle o' whiskey 
at .318. I don't see nobody here. I don't believe this is 
the right place. (Spies sign on wall.) This can't be 
the place. The quicker I gets out o' here the better. 
This is no place for me. Gosh ! There comes one o' the 
ladies now! What must I do! (Running up and down 
floor). I'll just put it in here. (Puts bottle in water 
cooler,. Miss Larmclock enters.) 

Stranger (much embarrassed) — Excuse me lady, 
but I thinks T mus' be in the wrong place. What num- 
ber is this? 

Miss Larmclock. — Why this is 316. The Old Maids 
Temperance Union. 

Stranger. — I wanted 318. 

Miss Larmclock. — The place you want, I suppose 
is next door. ( Porter brings lump of ice and drops 
in cooler.) 

Stranger (aside) — There goes my poor bottle! (Tc 
lady). You see it was this way, lady, T was sent to de- 
liver a hat to a lady at 318, an' I muster looked at the 
number wroner. 



Miss Larmclock. — Deliver a hat? You don't seem 
to have any hat with you. 

Stranger (embarrassed) — Well, you see — you see — 
the hat, you know, is just one o' these little bit o' ones. 

Miss Larmclock. — Well, where is the hat? 

Stranger — I've — I've got it in my pocket, you know. 

Miss Larmclock (laughing) — The idea of such a 
thing. Who ever heard of anyone carrying a lady's 
hat in their pocket? 

Stranger (feeling in pockets) — I — I believe I muster 
forgot it. I'll go back an' get it. Well, good-bye ! 
(Leave stage.) 

Miss Larmclock (looking at watch) — It's about 
time for the crowd to be getting here. We had a good 
attendance at our last meeting, and I feel sure we'll have 
even a better crowd tonight. Miss Clawhammer is to 
speak to us tonight. I'm just crazy to hear her. They 
say she's just fine. (Miss Clawhammer enters.) Why, 
good evening, Sister Clawhammer ! How are you this 
evening? I'm so glad to see you. 

Miss Clawhammer. — I'm just fine, thank you, Sister 
Larmclock. Don't you know, I thought I would never 
get here. I walked from the hotel, and the wind was 
blowing so hard, everv time I would take a step, the 
wind would blow me back two steps. 

(stranger and porter, both disguised as old maids 
enter, talking very rapidly and making gestures with the 
hands ; each take separate seats on the two back benches. 
The other two take seats on platform.) 

Miss Larmclock (standing) — We will commence 
our meeting tonight by singing song on page twelve 
hundred and two. (All open books and sing a song.) I 
will now introduce you all to Miss Clawhammer, the 
wowrld renouned speaker, who is. a very intimate friend 
of Mrs. Carrie Nation. Miss Clawhammer will now 
speak to us. (Miss Larmclock takes seat on front 
bench.) 

Miss Clawhammer (standing) — Good evening, 
ladies. I'm awful glad to meet with you. I hope you 
all are well and happy. 

Miss Larmclock. — All of us is well but myself. 

Miss Clawhammer. — I'm so sorry. What seems to 
be your trouble? 

Miss Larmclock (pointing to foot) — I've got a 
mighty bothersome corn on my left toe. 

10 



Miss Clawhammer. — Is that so? Don't you know 
] had one of those things onee. It's been — well it's 
been, I guess, about forty or fifty years ago; anjhow, 
'twas when I was just a girl. They're awful painful, 
aren't they? 

Miss Larmclock. — You bet they arc. 

Miss Clawhammer. — Nice day we are having to* 
night, Is'nt it? I'm cetrainly glad to see so few of you 
out tonight. I'm also glad to have the pleasure of 
speaking to you tonight and to look into your sweet 
smiling faces. I don't hink I ever before, in my whole 
forty-five years of public speaking, spoke to such an in- 
telligent looking audience. Our subject for tonight is : 
"How to Break up the Saloons." (Goes to cooler; 
draws glass of water ; takes sip ; smiles as if surprised 
at the taste ; drinks water and has very pleased look on 
face.) As I was saying, our subject for tonight is : "How 
to Break up the Saloons." I firmly believe with all my 
heart that the world is getting better every day, and there 
is less and less drinking every day. (Miss Larmclock 
appearing to be bothered with her corn takes of! shoes. 
Miss C. continuing.) I believe that in less than five 
years that every saloon in the United States will be 
closed, and in less than six years every saloon in the 
whole world will be closed, and in less than ten years 
there will not a soul be living who will know what whis- 
key even tastes like. 

Audience. — Hurrah for Sister Clawhammer! Good! 
We all agreed with you!! (Speaker in meantime takes 
another drink, wiwth same pleasing erTect ; continuing 
speech.) I am twenty-five years old, and I can truth- 
fully say that I have never in my whole life touched a 
drop of liquor. There are very few who can say that. 
Isn't it. I can't even bear the smell of it, much less 
the taste. There is not enough money in the whole 
wowrld to pay me to even take a drop. Takes another 
drink.) I believe that the only way to break up the 
saloons is to take it at the root. Instead of smashing 
the saloons, smash the whiskey factories. 

Audience. — Hurrah for Sister Clawhammer ! Good ! 
We all agree with you ! 

Speaker (continuing) — We citizens should get to- 
gether, and make a raid on the whiskey factories, that's 
what we should do ! Who will volunteer to lead such 
a raid ? 

11 



Audience (all at once) — I will! 

Speaker. — Good ! I'm so glad to see so many that's 
willing to take such a noble step. (Takes another drink.) 
Now that you all are so very enthusiastic over this 
matter. I would suggest that you call a special meeting 
and choose a leader. (Something representing a rat 
runs across floor. All stand up on their seats ; tuck their 
skirts around them tightly, and scream.) 

'Voices.— Oh! That horrid rat! Help! Police! Mur- 
der ! Catch me ! I'm going to faint ! Oh ! This is fierce ! 
Those rats'll be the death of me yet! (Rat runs out; 
all recover from shock, and speaker continues speech.) 
Now, this growing evil is getting worse and worse every 
day of this world. You can't even walk along the streets 
of our city without coming in contact with drunken men. 
You can't even pass a saloon without seeing men, women 
and children streaming in and out. So, my dear sisters, 
we must work. There are more and more saloons erected 
everv day. There are so very few who are willing to 
help fight this growing evil, so what are we to do ? ( Takes 
drink.) I believe that I will live to see the time when 
practically every man, woman and child in the world 
will be drunkards more or less. Now, the question is, 
how to check this growing evil. There are people in 
this w r orld who don't any more mind taking a drink 
of whiskev than I mind taking a drink of water from 
that cooler (pointing to cooler.) Now, my dear sisters, 
I am sure you all have enjoyed my brilliant speech. I'm 
sure I have, and I hope to be able to speak to you all 
again sometime in the near future. (Takes drink and 
sits down. Each member tips to cooler and takes drink, 
with same pleasing effect during speech. Miss Larm- 
clock takes stand.) I'm sure we all enjoyed Sister Claw- 
hammer's speech; in fact, I., don't think I ever enjoyed 
a speech any more in my whole life, and I am now fifty- 
five years old — I mean to sav I'm twenty-five. Excuse 
me, but mistakes w T ill happen. 

Miss Clawhammer (aside to audience) — I think her 
first statement was nearer correct. 

Miss Larmclock. — I'll quite agree with our Sister 
that things are getting worse every day, and that unless 
we get a move on ourselves, I don't believe we can even 
walk the streets of our city in safety in a few years. 
I'm willing to do my part, and I'm sure all of you nre 

12 



willing to do yours. ( Rat runs across floor again and 

raises same commotion as first time.) 

Miss Larmclock (resuming) — Are there any an- 
nouncements? (One of the members gets up and reads 
from paper. ) Yes ; we have one very important an- 
nouncement. I will announce that there will be a special 
meeting- held here in this building tomorrow morning 
at 1 o'clock to try to find some way to exterminate the 
rats from this building. I will state that we have been 
molested with this pest ever since this organization has 
been in existence (takes seat). 

Miss Larmclock. — We will now serve our refresh- 
ments. (Leave stage, and returns immediately with 
waiter containing four glasses of wine and four crackers ; 
passes them around, and all commence to eat and drink. 
First one and then the other goes to cooler and drinks. 
They keep going? oftener and oftener until they finally 
get to pushing one another. By the time they have 
finished their refreshments, they are all by the cooler 
trying to dring (refreshments). 

Voices (all beginning to fight) — It's my time! 
'Tain't yo' time! You've had yo' old time! I'm famish- 
ing! Oh! I'm going to faint! Let me get there! Quit 
yo' shoving! Whats the matter with you anyway! I'll 
stand up for my rights! You impolite dog! Git off o' 
my corn ! You shove me again ! Bv this time thev 
are fighting good fashion ; pulling each other's hair, 
and almost tearing their clothing off.) 

Curtain falls while fisfhtins". 



13 



m 28 1911 



MISS SQUASH FROM SQUASHVILLE. 

This is given by a young man impersonating an old 
maid who is a clever singer, dancer and pianist. 

Costume. — A small comically trimmed hat, wig, 
fan, large ear-rings, white loose-fitting gloves, a No. 10 
shoe, large white buttons on shirtwaist, skirt long in back 
and short in front. Shirtwaist and skirt must be 
of a very showy color. A piece of paste-board fastened 
on back of skirt with the words "HUSBAND 
WANTED." Face painted to represent a typical old 
maid. 

Properties. — A piano, book, screen, an old satchel 
and chair made so that bottom will drop out when sat in. 

Entering • (with satchel in hand, taking long steps, 
Addressing audience) — Hello there everybody! How's 
your good health ! Nice day we are having tonight ; isn't 
it ? I thought I would never get here. The train stopped 
at every little pig path (waving fan). Next time I'll hire a 
special. What do you think of me ? Don't you think I'm 
just too cute? I'm quite a belle down in mv native town, 
Squashville. (Lets satchel fall on foot.) Oh! My foot! 
My foot ! My poor little foot ! Oh ! ( screaming as if in 
pain. Sitting on floor and holding foot.) My foot is 
ruined forever ! I won't be able to walk for six months. 
(Gives satchel a hard kick. Leave stage limping. Re- 
turns without limping. Addressing audience.) Ladies 
and gentlemen and children — I will now endeavor to 
play you a very pretty little selection, entitled : "Who 
plucked the Rose from Grandpapa's Sunbonnett." Sits at 
piano and plays a very showy piece, like a livciy march, 
using a lot of strength. A selection not very well known, or 
something original would be best. Addressing audience). 
Ladies and Gentlemen — My next selection will be that 
well known piece entitled: "Three Cheers for the Red. 
Pink and Blue," our national song. You all know that. 
(Sits at piano, places hands on keys as about to play.) 
Stranee to sav, but I believe I have forgotten that pie^e. 
(Standing.) ' What shall I do! (Pause.) Oh! Yes! 
That piece is in a song book I have here. Say ! ( Calling 
to someone behind stage.) Throw me that song book, 
won't you. (Book is thrown and caught by performer.) 
Let me see (looking at index), on page 42. (Supposed- 
ly finds piece and setting book on piano, plays the piece : 
"Red, White and Blue" very brilliantly.) 

14 

tm & ipsa 



One copy del. to Cat. Div. 
APR 2t 1911 



Note — Play piece through twice; an octave higher 
last time. Turn over a leaf about twelve times while 
playing piece over. Performer can judge when to do 
this. Performer then sits as far as possible from piano 
to be able to play, with back leg of stool raised off of 
Moor, and plays and signs "Nobody's Darling," not play- 
ing the air. but the accompiament ; raising hands very 
high. If performer is able to change his voice first from 
coarse and then to fine, the effect will be much better. 
(Addressing audience.) I went to an entertainment the 
other night, and a little girl three and a half years old 
recited the poem, "Mary had a Little Ram." She 
couldn't talk verv plain ; in fact, I couldn't understand 
a word she said, but it sounded something like this : (Per- 
former sits at piano and plays something to represent the 
recitation.) Xote — This can be done by striking the C 
an octave above middle C, and going down on the piano 
chromaticallv until G flat is reached, striking each key 
twice except G flat. Repeat five times. 

(Performer then dances awhile and all of a sudden 
appears to get very much exhausted, and sits suddenly 
in the chair described. Bottom falls out ; performer 
sinks down and cries piteously.) Oh ! Help ! Help ! Won't 
some kind gentleman kindly come and help me ? Oh ! This 
is awful! Really! This is an accident! Oh! Please! How 
can you refuse to help anyone in so much trouble ! Oh ! 
(Someone in meantime is sent out in audience to go for- 
ward in case no one else goes. Man walks up on 
stage, and just as he reaches out his hand to help, per- 
former quickly gets up. Let it be plainly seen that 
performer gets up without help.) Oh! (Throwing arms 
around assistant's neck) you have savecf my life ! You 
are a hero ! Oh ! Plow can I ever repay you for this noble 
deed. T suppose I will just have to give you a sweet 
kiss. My ! But I do hate to kiss you before such a crowd. 
( Addressing audience.) Will yon all kindly do me a 
favor?* Just close your eyes for about three and a half 
seconds. Won't you, please? Please! (Pause.) Come 
on back here (pulling assistant by coat; goes behind 
screen ; makes loud noise as if kissing ; also grunting 
sound as if enjoying it comes from behind screen.) I'll 
see you after the show. Don't forget. (Assistant walks 
back to his seat. Performer leaves stage; returns hold- 
ing hat and wig in hand. 

Exit. 

15 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 




016 103 333 9 






LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 



016 103 333 9 




